it was just a leap

It all started with a leap. It wasn't from afar, but it was high and, with gravity in complete control, it was powerful.

I was sitting on the floor playing with The Deuce. He was smiling, laughing and playing with his toys. The Sudden impact on my head and neck sent shock waves through my body as I gasped in pain. Z-Dub, with a grin on his face, decided it would be funny to fly like Superman from the top of the sofa to my seemingly strong body. Only problem is he miscalculated his trajectory and landed where great damage can be done. And boy did he cause some damage.

For the first two days I could hardly move my neck left or right. The headache at the base, where my head connects to my spine, was excruciating. It lasted for days. Even during our vacation in San Diego my head was throbbing. Tylenol was my savior.

Then last week the flu emerged with a vengeance. One of the symptoms as I was bedridden was body aches. The kind that make any and all positions uncomfortable. I was in a miserable state of being. As the flu subsided I thought I was going to be okay. Then suddenly on Thursday a sharp pain started in the middle of my back. It was so bad that even the slightest movement sent me to the floor. Even if I took a deep breath in the pain was unbearable. I went to urgent care and was given a shot of Percocet, which did little to ease my extreme discomfort. The doctor gave me a prescription for Percocet pills and Valium and said to get some rest. His answer to what was going on was completely unsatifactory. I didn't want to mask the pain, I wanted to know what the hell was happening and how to fix it.

On Friday I waddled into a Chiropractor's office for the first time in my life. I've never had an issue with back pain, so there was never a need to see one. I was a bit scared to go.

I was thoroughly examined and X-rays were taken. And, alas, they found the problem. Apparently I now have a compression injury to two vertebrae. They said the injury was probably caused years ago and then Z-Dub's Superman stunt exacerbated it, causing the ligaments to slip out of whack in my back. They also found that I have a slight twist in the middle of my spine, which makes me more prone to injury. They also found a congenital defect where I'm actually missing on T-vertebra, but I have an extra lumbar vertebra. That's weird, but really isn't a problem.

And my neck - that's a whole other issue. Z-Dub clearly did some damage. Instead of a slight crescent curvature that a normal neck has, mine now resembles an "s." To put it simple, it's "effed" up.

Since Friday I've been receiving intense physiotherapy at the Chiropractor's office and it's done wonders to help moving me again. My pain has subsided greatly - probably about 85 percent. I can actually move without dropping to the floor in pain. I'm going to continue therapy a few days a week for the next month or two to mostly correct everything, but in the meantime, I suddenly feel much older than my 34 years. I'm also worried about injuring myself again. Will I be able to be active? Or will I be resigned to be "the guy on the sidelines?" I don't want to be that guy, but only time will tell.

blame it on the parents

The other day, while HotMomma was off with her friends having "mommy" time, I took Z-Dub and The Deuce to Target with me to pick up a few things (diapers). While driving up St. Rose Parkway, all of a sudden I realized that Z-Dub was singing along with the song playing on the radio. He seemed to know most, if not all, of the words of the chorus. This was the song:



At least the song teaches life lessons. Right?

Like, if you get her drunk she'll take her panties off.

curious case of the half bald boy

Some of you may have noticed very few photos lately of The Deuce on this here site. It's not that I haven't overlooked the little fellow. He's the center of attention at our house.

The reason, I'm embarrassed to admit, is bad hair. You see, both Z-Dub and The Deuce were born with a full head of thick black hair. Unfortunately, it falls out shortly after birth, growing back later in a lighter brown hue. In Z-Dub's case, his hair fell out quickly leaving a nice, round and bald melon. For The Deuce, the hair loss has been less than kind. The hair has fallen out on the left side of his head, but the right side, most of the top and back of his head still has thick and long black hair. The remaining hair, particularly on the sides, seems to be coming off slowly.

It simply looks funny.

Want proof?

Here's Z-Dub at four months old.

Here's The Deuce this morning, just a week from four months.

It sort of resembles the hair style of Kim Jong-il. Am I right?

I have a solution...shave the kid's head with some clippers. HotMomma won't let me. What do you think, leave it be or shave it off?

Or, am I a complete ass for caring so much about it?

mission incompletion

Z-Dub is obsessed with Little Einsteins these days. He watches it regularly and proudly yells "mission completion!" at the end of each episode. As I watched him excitedly watch his program this morning, I wondered, what if the mission isn't completed? What if they actually failed? It would teach a valuable lesson -- life doesn't always turn out perfect. Missions aren't always completed, just look at Iraq.

I can picture the episode now. Since they're so used to their perfect lives, those little characters wouldn't know how to handle the failure. Leo the conductor would probably hit the bottle to drink away his failure. His little sister Annie would probably end up knocked up after a night of seeking comfort with strangers. Little June, the dancer, would probably turn to pole dancing. Wanting more out of life, she'd end up turning tricks. Finally, Quincy would probably end up selling dope on a street corner.

Now that would make an interesting cartoon, wouldn't it?

100 things

I was watching that movie Bucket List yesterday and it reminded me that Daddy Dan posted this list of 100 accomplishments recently. After reading it I wondered how many I've accomplished/experienced so far in my life. With it being the start of a new year, I thought I'd embark on the tedious task of reviewing the list and seeing how I fare. Perhaps some can be accomplished in 2009 as resolutions.

Like Dan, items in bold are those that I have accomplished/experienced. Items in red are ones that I wish to accomplish in my lifetime. Items in green are those that I wish to accomplish in this new year.

1. Started my own blog
   
2. Slept under the stars
   
3. Played in a band
   
4. Visited Hawaii
   
5. Watched a meteor shower
   
6. Given more than I can afford to charity
   
7. Been to Disneyland/World
   
8. Climbed a mountain
   
9. Held a praying mantis
   
10. Sung a solo - Does American Idol Encore on Wii count?
    
11. Bungee jumped
    
12. Visited Paris
    
13. Watched lightning at sea
    
14. Taught myself an art from scratch
    
15. Adopted a child
    
16. Had food poisoning
    
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
    
18. Grown my own vegetables
    
19. Seen the Mona Lisa
    
20. Slept on an overnight train
    
21. Had a pillow fight
    
22. Hitchhiked - I've watched too many horror flicks to know not to do that.
    
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
    
24. Built a snow fort
    
25. Held a lamb
    
26. Gone skinny dipping
    
27. Run a Marathon
    
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice - I've ridden them in Vegas though.
    
29. Seen a total eclipse
    
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
    
31. Hit a home run
    
32. Been on a cruise
    
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
    
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors - I'm a mutt, so where do I begin? It'll be easier to visit HotMomma's ancestor's birthplace.
    
35. Seen an Amish community
    
36. Taught myself a new language
    
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
    
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
    
41. Sung karaoke - I'm part of a Filipino family, so of course.
    
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
    
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
    
44. Visited Africa
    
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
    
46. Been transported in an ambulance - I hope this never, ever happens.
    
47. Had my portrait painted - That is if I accomplish something great. Perhaps I should run for President.
    
48. Gone deep sea fishing
    
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
    
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris - Again, does the one in Vegas count?
    
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
    
52. Kissed in the rain
    
53. Played in the mud
    
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
    
55. Been in a movie
    
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
    
57. Started a business
    
58. Taken a martial arts class
    
59. Visited Russia
    
60. Served at a soup kitchen
    
61. Sold Girl Scout cookies - I've eaten my share.
    
62. Went Whale Watching
    
63. Got flowers for no reason
    
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma - Only to myself, pre-op.
    
65. Gone sky diving
    
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
    
67. Bounced a check - Not proud of it. I was young.
    
68. Flown in a helicopter - My dad had a friend who was a helicopter pilot. I remember flying over Disneyland as a kid.
    
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
    
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
    
71. Eaten caviar
    
72. Pieced a quilt
    
73. Stood in Times Square
    
74. Toured the Everglades
    
75. Been fired from a job - I hope to never be.
    
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
    
77. Broken a bone - Does a fracture count?
    
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
    
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
    
80. Published a book
    
81. Visited the Vatican
    
82. Bought a brand-new car - Too many times to count. I use a broker. I highly recommend using one.
    
83. Walked in Jerusalem
    
84. Had my picture in the newspaper
    
85. Read the entire Bible - I took a Bible as literature class in college.
    
86. Visited the White House - Michael Jackson was getting some kind of honor from Ronald Reagan on the day we went.
    
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating - I buy my dead animals neatly wrapped in plastic at the grocery store.
    
88. Had chickenpox
    
89. Saved someone’s life
    
90. Sat on a jury
    
91. Met someone famous - In Vegas you run into celebs all the time. I played Blackjack with Jenny McCarthy at the Hard Rock when I was in college.
    
92. Joined a book club
    
93. Lost a loved one
    
94. Had a baby - I made two.
    
95. Seen the Alamo in person
    
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
    
97. Been involved in a law suit
    
98. Owned a cell phone - Who doesn't?
    
99. Been stung by a bee
    
100. Ridden an elephant
     

I've accomplished/experienced 43 out of 100! Not too shabby if you ask me. As you can see, I have many more on my list to do. I can't wait.

What about you?

Again, Happy New Year.

fashionable or practical?

I know I'm going to sound like an old man right now, but this is bugging me. We were at Las Vegas Town Square the other night to visit H&M and it was cold. Actually, it was really cold because the wind was blowing too. Needless to say, HotMomma, the kids and I were all bundled up to keep warm.

Walking through the outdoor mall I noticed quite a few teenagers walking around wearing just a t-shirt with a scarf around their neck. The first thought that came to mind was "WTF?" I soon realized that they were making some kind of fashion statement, because there is no way in hell anyone would be stupid enough to think just a scarf will provide relief from the cold wind. And, actually, I thought it looked a bit silly.

Is it just me? Have I finally reached an age where I'm officially out of touch with the youth of America?

BTW...in doing a little research I found this gem.

you can change your name, but you're still the same

Our local power company recently decided to change its name and relaunch itself with an expensive marketing campaign that included television, radio and print advertising. It was really unnecessary since they're the only residential provider of power in our entire region. Now they've gone to the Utilities Commission and requested an 18 percent increase in residential power bills. WTF? Perhaps if they didn't spend enormous amounts of money giving themselves a new name and a snazzy new look, we wouldn't have to pay more. BASTARDS!!!

stupid candies!

Why are these candies so damned addicting? They don't even taste all that good. Besides, I don't think a mixture of pure sugar, corn syrup, honey, carnuba wax, marshmellow and fondant is very good for you.

This is the bowl on my desk. I can't stop eating them. My stomach even hurts a little.

Did you know that Americans each 20 million lbs. of this crap each Halloween?

I think I'll go throw up now.

superstar

Look out Hollyweird, here I come!

Today I'm taping a public service announcement. Not for Gonorrhea or anything like that. Actually it's for a fundraising golf tournament. We're taping it on the actual golf course. Me co-starring in the 30-second commercial is actually kind of funny because I don't golf. I've taken lessons, but I've never actually played a round of golf on a course. I'll definitely be using my acting skills for this one.

If you're in Las Vegas starting next week you may randomly see my ugly mug on a COX Cable station.

a restless night

Last night was a rough one. All were restless in the house, but especially Z-Dub. The reason, we believe, is Halloween.

Yesterday we did a little shopping at Target, picking up some new Halloween decor for the front of the house. The shelves were lined with mechanical ghosts, goblins, skeletons, witches and more. As we browsed the items, Z-Dub expressed his desire to go home. We sensed his fear and encouraged him that it all was not real. Going home, playing with his friend and watching Finding Nemo on DVD did little to erase his mind of the season's goulishness.

The result was cries in the night and the need of comfort from his sleepy parents.

Of course, the night was rough for us too. In addition to Z-Dub's night fright, HotMomma's pregnant belly offered a lot of discomfort. She's finding it harder and harder to get a good night of sleep. The constant trips to the bathroom don't help either.

As for me, this work week will be a stressful one. It made me sleepless. My extremely busy schedule and workload will culminate Friday. While I've been dreading the pressure of this week, I'm looking forward to getting it overwith. It's been on my calendar for months. My working the entire weekend didin't help me relax enough in preparation for all that needs to be done, which totally sucks. But my upcoming birthday weekend (Oct. 11) I've made into a four-day weekend. It's something to look forward to.

here comes the leper

The pain emanating from my severly sunburnt noggin had subsided. In fact, the redness did as well.

That is until this morning.

As I showered large blobs of skin started accumulating on the floor near the drain. My head was peeling like a molting snake. As I observed (and felt) what was going on I began to dread what I might look like when I glance in the mirror after emerging from my cool and relaxing chamber of wetness.

To help the peeling along I came up with a brilliant idiotic plan to use some of HotMomma's expoliating facial cleanser. You know the kind. It has microbeads or something that makes it feel like you're washing with sand. Well that was a really f%#ked up idea. The sting was extremely painful and I think it pissed off my skin.

Now I have large areas of my skin peeled away, revealing still-burnt and pissed off pink skin. To make matters worse, the freshly exposed skins hurts. BAD.

I'm wearing a ball cap today at work. If I reveal my peeling noggin I'm sure to be sent to leper colony.

*And, no I will not be posting any pictures!

---------------------------------------------

In other news....Z-Dub has been SeaWorld obsessed ever since the weekend. Everytime we go to leave the house he asks, "We go to SeaWorld?" When the answer is no, there's hell to pay.

burnt to a crisp

I failed to wear a hat or apply sunscreen while at SeaWorld on Saturday in San Diego and at a family party at a park in Oceanside on Sunday. They were two long days outdoors in the California sun. Needless to say, I'm paying for my mistake now. I don't think I've ever been burnt this bad before. To say I'm in pain is an understatement. My noggin is even starting to blister.

I'm also embarrassed to say that I look absolutely ridiculous. My shiny red head looks like some kind of warning beacon that can be seen from miles away. I might as well be turned into a bouy.

Don't believe me?

Check it out...

Oh, to make matters worse, I have raccoon eyes.

underwear goes on the inside of your pants!

With a strong, independent spirit, Z-Dub likes to do his own thing -- when and where ever he wants. Sometimes it's annoying and the cause of eventual tantrums. Other times it's the source of laughter. Last night was definitely one of those times.

As advised by his teachers at school, to help Z-Dub with potty training we bought him some "big boy" underwear to don around the house when he can be potty monitored. We went to Target and got him a three pack of Go Diego Go! underwear and a six pack of traditional tightie whities (briefs). He's so excited about his Diego underwear that he just had to wear them last night. And this is how:

He wouldn't listen to us when we insisted that underwear goes under the clothes. There's a diaper and his pajama pants underneath.

He's been up this morning for about a half hour and he's refusing to let me take off his underwear to even change his diaper. His independence is either going to make quite a fashion statement or be awfully embarrasing when the locksmith comes today to install additional locks on our front door. Z-Dub knows how to unlock the door and keeps trying to escape. Where's he trying to go?

Could you imagine Z-Dub being found in the middle of the night wandering the streets with his underwear on the outside? Family Services would probably take him away from us.

jack and the beanstalk

Every night we have family reading time where we read to Z-Dub and he attempts to read to us. With some of his books being read over and over again, early this week HotMomma decided it was time to head to the local branch of the library with Z-Dub to check out some new books from the children's collection.

Last night I joined Z-Dub in reading the classic Jack and the Beanstalk. Most of us have heard the story, but it wasn't until I read it to Z-Dub that I realized how ridiculously inappropriate the story is for a child. How you may ask? Well, let me tell you.

First, I find it incredibly irresponsible that Jack's widowed mother makes him go to town to trade in their only milk cow for some food. Seems like a short-term solution to a long-term problem. It lacks any forward thinking, or logic for that matter. If you have no food at all, why don't you get a job or grow something? Perhaps you'd even get more out of butchering that cow than trading it in. Equating it to today, it's like trading your car for some quick cash at one of those title loan places. How in the hell are you going to get a job and better your situation if you've traded in your transportation for a quick fix? Not a good lesson.

Second, Jack totally defies his mother's orders and trades their only cow for a few beans from a strange man on the side of the road. Two things are wrong with this with the first being that he didn't listen to his mother. Second, he talked to a stranger and accepted his offer. It's like taking candy from a molester or drugs from a dealer.

Third, after the beans grow up into a giant stalk reaching into the clouds, Jack climbs up upon a castle that's home to a giant. The giant says, "Fee! Fie! Foe! Fum!?? I smell the blood of an Englishman. Be he 'live, or be he dead, I'll grind his bones to make my bread." It's a little gruesome for little kids, but it is a giant and Jack did break into his castle, so who can blame him. But after hiding out like a crafty cat burglar and avoiding being eaten by the giant Jack steals his gold egg laying hen and heads home to enjoy his new found riches. So, it's okay to break into a strangers home and steal?

Fourth, getting greedy Jack goes back up the beanstalk and to the giant's castle to steal again. The second time it was a magic harp. But Jack gets caught by the giant who chases him down that stalk to reclaim his stuff. To "get away with it," Jack uses an axe to quickly knock down the stalk, resulting in the poor giant plunging to his death. Apparently the lesson learned is when you get caught committing a petty crime, to avoid punishment you should kill your victim. Nice.

I realize this book was an adaptation of the original and may not be as you remember it, but still it's severly lacking in morality. The only things that would make this book even more inappropriate or controversial are:

Jacks mother starts turning tricks to make some quick cash. Jack acts as her pimp.

Jack grows some pot and sells in on a street corner in town. When he gets caught by the police he claims it's "for medicinal purposes." When pressed further he kills the cop to avoid arrest.

Jack and his mother are so hungry they cook up and eat the dead giant's body. I'm sure Andrew Zimmern wouldn't even eat it.

Jack and the giant clear up their differences, and instead of the giant being killed, they fall in love and have a gay wedding in California. It certainly would make it more interesting.

kung-fu toddler

I wonder if there are Karate, Taekwondo or Krav Maga studios that have classes for two year olds? If so, sign us up! We need to channel some of Z-Dub's mischief.

This past week, for reasons we don't know, Z-Dub has become a hitter. Oh wait, maybe he learned it from Kung-Fu Panda. Whatever the reason, he now likes to hit HotMomma and me as well as other little kids in the playground. Sometimes he does it when he's mad. Other times he just walks up and whacks his victim for no reason whatsoever. It's a little disconcerting because he's never been one to hit. Perhaps martial arts classes will teach him some discipline when it comes to knowing when to and when not to swing his little fists. We want him to be ready to defend himself (and his chick), but not be an aggressor.

Especially if he goes to school in the Clark County School District, he'll need to know how to disable an armed student. Them kids carry guns, yo!

hooker tots

I heard about this on the radio during my drive home yesterday and I couldn't believe it. There is a company out there that actually sells fully functional high heel shoes for babies and toddlers.

Hmmmm...I don't have a little girl (yet), but if I did I don't think I'd want her looking like some 10 cent street walker or brothel worker. How about you?

We may live in a state with legal prostitution (not in Vegas though), but I don't think it's a good idea to start training kids for that line of work when they're that young. We'll leave that to our pathetic excuse for a school district.

In case you're wondering about this company (or interested in whoring out your child), it can be found here.